Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize