in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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