i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
