Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I got inside last night via doggy door
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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