you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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