Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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