I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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