I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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