mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
