That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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