I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
