im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
