What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
