I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
