Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
