I looked at my own cervix.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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