Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
