and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
