Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
