It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I will pee on everything he values.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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