I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you will always have a special place in my vag
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
