i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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