My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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