There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
