Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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