Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
