Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I'm really busy with my period
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