Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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