hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
