I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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