Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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