Please, let me fuck your mom
my phone needs a breathalizer
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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