I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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