I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
