I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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