At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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