just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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