Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
