Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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