you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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