Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
