im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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