someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
