im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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