Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
