If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
