Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
