Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
