You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
