I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
