I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
