I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
