Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
