Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
