i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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