so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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