i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
