I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
