Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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